J.O.R.T.s

The Most fun I ever had in a Buick. Man, what Idiots we are when we are young. My first ever car was a 1984 Buick Skyhawk. 4 doors, 4 cylinders, no front suspension. One depressing Western Kansas afternoon, I had two of my friends get in the backseat while I was driving. We were traveling on a back highway in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon, very little traffic. I set the cruise at 45 and proceeded to climb into the passenger seat. I was holding the steering wheel at the bottom, and to any passers by it appeared that our car was occupied by three boys and being driven by none of them. We really thought this was the height of comedy, that our little trick could not be topped. I will never forget the look on the face of the blue hair in the Cadillac as she passed our car headed in the opposite direction. Terror replaced elation as the prevalent emotion in our car as the Caddy careened off towards the ditch, its operator rendered useless by her shock in seeing a ghost car travel...

I have some questions about Polygamist Mormons. Why are the women always so ugly? I think if I were going to have multiple wives, I would need a few of them to be attractive. But not these guys. I guess it’s a quantity over quality thing. Maybe the attractive women know that they don’t have to share a man. That brings up another point. Are these ugly broads flocking to the polygamist sects themselves, or do the dudes go out and actively recruit? I can see how that sales pitch would go down; “So, honey, you’re kind of homely with that straight brown hair, whattya say you come back down to Utah and join me and my three other wives who live in a shack in the woods?” Judging from what I have seen, these women are probably not getting a lot of better offers. If they turn Jebediah down, they will probably just end up buried under the floorboards in the kitchen of the town Librarian. I am trying to lose weight, but cannot turn down fast food. So I have started ordering the Kids Meal every tim...

I learned it’s all true. All the quips and quotes, all the bits of wisdom. When your grandpa pulled you aside after your parents told him about your “little girlfriend” whne you were 12. When your Dad grabbed your shoulder before prom. They were right. It’s all true. “They are all crazy, just find one you can live with” I will start here, because it is the most debated. And the most accurate. Men are pigs, women are crazy, but every so often a pig goes crazy, it all works and everything is right with the world. For a period of time. Sometimes days or weeks, but if you are 99% of college students in the U.S. this bliss is shortlived. Crazy goes to far, or the pig gets too wild, and it all explodes. But it’s ok. 10 years pass, and you realize that she wasn’t the one, not even close, and what she did wasn’t so bad, and you shouldn’t have called her that name. But that clarity only comes when you find the one crazy you can live with. “One day she will grow up to be her mother” Definitely t...

In 25 years, I think movie makers will use the PT cruiser as the go- to vehicle symbol of the American Loser, ala Wayne and Garth’s AMC Pacer. “Qualified buyers” If you really are a Highly Qualified Buyer, do you even need the Zero Down Payment program? I love the Yard Sale. And the Garage Sale. Even an occasional Estate Sale. What I think is most interesting is the levels of these things. There is a definite hierarchy of sales. At the top you have the Estate Sale, followed by the Neighborhood Sale, then the Garage Sale, then a Yard Sale, and then it’s just junk by the curb. There are several subsets within the general levels, including the post-auction estate sale, the 50% off sale, and the closeout garage sale where most of your junk is just free anyway. All the names, all the different signs, it’s really all the same thing, you trying to make a nickel off of some shoes you want to throw away. I love it. Speaking of garage sales, here are the items a person should never buy at a gara...

Boss man asked me the other day, “Aaron, when can I expect that report to be finished” My response; “That’s the great thing about expectations, you can expect it anytime you want. You can expect it to be finished right now if you want. It wont be, but you can go right ahead and expect it.” Has anyone besides me ever had to get out of the shower before they were finished because they cut one and it smelled so bad they could not stand it any longer?

Peppermints. Weird name, they are all mint, no Pepper. And how do I get that hole in the middle every time I eat one? It makes a cool whistle, but I don’t know how it gets there Saw a sign in Mayetta Ks this weekend. Similar to what you see by the highway as you Pass by small Midwestern towns. FOOD, AUTO REPAIR, LIQUOR, COLLECTIBLES. All the basic needs of American Life. Who doesn’t need to know. I watched TV Bloopers with Dick Clark the other night. Why do they have a live audience? Who would go and be a part of a live audience for a show that is based on watching clips on TV? I have always preferred Fall over Summer when the topic is Hot Ladies. I like some mystery, plus the are more chicks who look banging in sweaters as opposed to bikini’s. And even if they don’t look good, at least in the fall they are covered up. Why is taking Phone messages so difficult for some people? Name, number, reason for call. Here are some message’s I have seen lately. “Bill will call later” “Jaimie is r...

What are Jorts ? Technically they are Jean SHORTS. Jean shorts are inappropriate clothing items favored by child molesters, NASCAR fans, hillbillies and professional Fishermen. But, For my purposes, JORTS are Juvenile Observations and Random Thoughts. I am a Juvenile Adult. I am mature in age and childlike in thoughts. I also have a short attention span and like to shoot off at the mouth. Other people find me annoying and classless. I find myself humorous and intelligent. Here are some things that I find funny, enjoy them with me. AO