Tips for the Gym
As we enter a new year many people feel the need to get healthy, to lose weight and be more fit. As a service to those of you who are returning to the gym for the first time after a long absence, I want to give you a quick guide for guys to avoid at the gym. We will procede through these in a reverse order of danger, from some annoying folks to those who might really be hazardous to your long term well being.
The Socializer.
Generally a middle aged white man, this creature can come in all ages and sizes, so be wary. The Socializer can often be found with or near coffee. If your gym has a coffee maker, he knows where it is. He also will often be carrying a newspaper. The Socializer is mainly annoying for his ability to not work out at all, while spending long hours at the gym. The Socializer can prevent you from getting your work out in as well. He may lean on the weight machine while you are trying to lift, discussing varius females as they walk by, or he may want to discuss his misinformed opinions regarding the Kansas City Chiefs while you are trying to work the leg press. If you see the Socializer, turn up the tunes, pretend to speak a foreign language, or if thinks are really bad, break the coffee maker.
The Sales Guy
Trainers are great, and can be helpful. But often it is hard to distinguish a real trainer from a Sales Guy. The Sales Guy looks talks and acts like a trainer, but instead of helping you, he is helping himself, or the gym. You will know you have gotten snagged by the Sales Guy, instead of a real trainer, if during each training session your questions are being answered with a product recommendation. For example, if your question involves tightening your abs, a real trainer might suggest a new crunch or sit-up technique, while the Sales Guy will recommend two new supplements from the pro shop and an extra twentry minute weekly session at $200 per. Also known in some circles as the “Gear Guy”, for his awe inspiring collection of gadgets and sweat bands. If you are confronted by a person who looks like a trainer, but has two wrist bands on each forearm, a knee band on each leg, and tape or chalk on more than one extremity, move along. If you have gotten hooked up with the Sales Guy, request a new trainer immediately.
Grunter
Powerlifting requires a great deal of energy to be released in a short amount of time, and you will often see Powerlifters during Olympic coverage who scream, shout, and grunt with a power usually not seen in humans. The Grunter will also use these power sounds to assist in his lifting techniques, the difference of course is that he is benching the bar, not going for a new world record. There is not much you can do to avoid the Grunter, you can crank the I-pod or you can change your workout time. The Grunter generally follows a set routine so avoiding his workouts should be easy to do.
High School Wrestler
Not to let the name confuse you, but the Wrestler is rarely actually a wrestler. He likely was at one time, though. And the memories of those past glories, and failures has never left him. He is very closely associated with the Grunter, and Gear Guy. He spends the majority of his free time here at the gym, and is way ripped. He will likely want to correct every technique of yours and will destroy your workout routine by crushing your confidence and attempting to make you feel like the puny weakling that you are. You don’t need that. He should be easy to avoid, because his shoulders will protrude forward from his body farther than his sternum, creating an odd convex curve across the front of his body. His elbows are turned slightly outward to further display his ridiculously large bi’s and tri’s. In the locker room, he will often use a Mickey Mouse towel after his shower, highlighting his immaturity and insecurity with himself.
Crank Tank Hank
Hank is not at every gym, thank God. That is because not every gym has a Crank Tank. If your gym does have a crank tank, you might consider moving to a new gym, because it is a guarantee that Hank will be there, in the tank, with his crank. And he will want to talk to you. He may suggest that a few minutes in the hot tub is great after the workout. And he’s right, but lets look for a co-ed Hot Tub, where clothing is REQUIRED. Same goes for the steam room, by the way. If the steam room is tucked back in the men’s locker room and clothing is optional you will no doubt run into the Inappropriate Stretcher. Listen buddy, that towel is not big enough for your yoga moves, get that stuff out of my face.
Junk Dryer
So, you just caught a quick shower so you can get back to the office, and you come around the corner to the sink and there he is. Junk Dryer. Drying his Junk. With the push button hot air blower designed for your hands. Why? Towel not getting the job done for ya? You really need to have hot air blowing on your stuff while you are standing in the middle of a locker room? That’s something you need? Move along, buddy, your not here for the workout are ya.
MeatGazer
Speaking of not here for the workout, this is the most dangerous person you will likely run into at the gym. He can most often be found one of two places. The basketball court, and the locker room. He’s not out there playing basketball, mind you. He will often be there, just walking laps. And gazing creepily. Whenever you look directly at the Meatgazer, he will be staring awkwardly into space, giving you a glimpse of what a woman must feel like when she returns to work right after her breast implant surgery. The Gazer spends more time at the gym than anyone, even the staff. The Gazer will often take several showers a day and spend a very long time after each shower drying himself and generally enjoying the sites. If your gym has a Crank Tank, or a clothing optional steam room, the Gazer will be there also. He knows Hank and the Stretcher, and they talk freely. Literally Freely, nothing holding them back. If you ever walk into your locker room and see a man in black socks, a sweatshirt and nothing else, nothing AT ALL, you have found the Gazer. Don’t bother changing gyms or schedules to avoid him though. He is always there. Just stay far, far away.
The Socializer.
Generally a middle aged white man, this creature can come in all ages and sizes, so be wary. The Socializer can often be found with or near coffee. If your gym has a coffee maker, he knows where it is. He also will often be carrying a newspaper. The Socializer is mainly annoying for his ability to not work out at all, while spending long hours at the gym. The Socializer can prevent you from getting your work out in as well. He may lean on the weight machine while you are trying to lift, discussing varius females as they walk by, or he may want to discuss his misinformed opinions regarding the Kansas City Chiefs while you are trying to work the leg press. If you see the Socializer, turn up the tunes, pretend to speak a foreign language, or if thinks are really bad, break the coffee maker.
The Sales Guy
Trainers are great, and can be helpful. But often it is hard to distinguish a real trainer from a Sales Guy. The Sales Guy looks talks and acts like a trainer, but instead of helping you, he is helping himself, or the gym. You will know you have gotten snagged by the Sales Guy, instead of a real trainer, if during each training session your questions are being answered with a product recommendation. For example, if your question involves tightening your abs, a real trainer might suggest a new crunch or sit-up technique, while the Sales Guy will recommend two new supplements from the pro shop and an extra twentry minute weekly session at $200 per. Also known in some circles as the “Gear Guy”, for his awe inspiring collection of gadgets and sweat bands. If you are confronted by a person who looks like a trainer, but has two wrist bands on each forearm, a knee band on each leg, and tape or chalk on more than one extremity, move along. If you have gotten hooked up with the Sales Guy, request a new trainer immediately.
Grunter
Powerlifting requires a great deal of energy to be released in a short amount of time, and you will often see Powerlifters during Olympic coverage who scream, shout, and grunt with a power usually not seen in humans. The Grunter will also use these power sounds to assist in his lifting techniques, the difference of course is that he is benching the bar, not going for a new world record. There is not much you can do to avoid the Grunter, you can crank the I-pod or you can change your workout time. The Grunter generally follows a set routine so avoiding his workouts should be easy to do.
High School Wrestler
Not to let the name confuse you, but the Wrestler is rarely actually a wrestler. He likely was at one time, though. And the memories of those past glories, and failures has never left him. He is very closely associated with the Grunter, and Gear Guy. He spends the majority of his free time here at the gym, and is way ripped. He will likely want to correct every technique of yours and will destroy your workout routine by crushing your confidence and attempting to make you feel like the puny weakling that you are. You don’t need that. He should be easy to avoid, because his shoulders will protrude forward from his body farther than his sternum, creating an odd convex curve across the front of his body. His elbows are turned slightly outward to further display his ridiculously large bi’s and tri’s. In the locker room, he will often use a Mickey Mouse towel after his shower, highlighting his immaturity and insecurity with himself.
Crank Tank Hank
Hank is not at every gym, thank God. That is because not every gym has a Crank Tank. If your gym does have a crank tank, you might consider moving to a new gym, because it is a guarantee that Hank will be there, in the tank, with his crank. And he will want to talk to you. He may suggest that a few minutes in the hot tub is great after the workout. And he’s right, but lets look for a co-ed Hot Tub, where clothing is REQUIRED. Same goes for the steam room, by the way. If the steam room is tucked back in the men’s locker room and clothing is optional you will no doubt run into the Inappropriate Stretcher. Listen buddy, that towel is not big enough for your yoga moves, get that stuff out of my face.
Junk Dryer
So, you just caught a quick shower so you can get back to the office, and you come around the corner to the sink and there he is. Junk Dryer. Drying his Junk. With the push button hot air blower designed for your hands. Why? Towel not getting the job done for ya? You really need to have hot air blowing on your stuff while you are standing in the middle of a locker room? That’s something you need? Move along, buddy, your not here for the workout are ya.
MeatGazer
Speaking of not here for the workout, this is the most dangerous person you will likely run into at the gym. He can most often be found one of two places. The basketball court, and the locker room. He’s not out there playing basketball, mind you. He will often be there, just walking laps. And gazing creepily. Whenever you look directly at the Meatgazer, he will be staring awkwardly into space, giving you a glimpse of what a woman must feel like when she returns to work right after her breast implant surgery. The Gazer spends more time at the gym than anyone, even the staff. The Gazer will often take several showers a day and spend a very long time after each shower drying himself and generally enjoying the sites. If your gym has a Crank Tank, or a clothing optional steam room, the Gazer will be there also. He knows Hank and the Stretcher, and they talk freely. Literally Freely, nothing holding them back. If you ever walk into your locker room and see a man in black socks, a sweatshirt and nothing else, nothing AT ALL, you have found the Gazer. Don’t bother changing gyms or schedules to avoid him though. He is always there. Just stay far, far away.
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