J.O.R.T.s

It was morning really, about 2:20. I had just left the Golden Q, in Hays, with a buddy that was home for the summer, and his co-worker a man I knew only as Terry*. Terry was driving a Jeed, a real off-roader type, lifted, chevy 350 all the goodies. Terry was blasted, should never have been driving. He leaves the Q and heads west towards campus. At the time of the incident I was living at the University Apartments on 12th street. Terry believes that it is possible for him to drive on 8th street, then cut North to 12 across an open field. The other passenger, Mark* and I, both knew that this was not possible. The "open field" was dissected by railroad tracks, on the north side of which was a ravine about 12-16 feet deep and maybe 25 feet across. This ravine is not visible from 8th street because of the rail road tracks. Terry insisted on trying to cross the field, despite the screams of dissenting opinion from both Mark and myself. As we launched over the tracks, Ter

Spam. I don’t get it. Well, I mean I GET it. We all get it. And way, way too much of it. I just don’t know why. Are there people out there buying discount Viagra from an unknown company based solely on a random unsolicited email? It seems like the worst possible business model. Yet it persists. And grows. Are there a group of companies behind these spam mails? I doubt it, I imagine one lonely dude in his basement with cases of little plastic bottles, hoping that some other lonelier dude somewhere in the vast interwebs clicks “buy now” A note to new parents who live in family neighborhoods, be carefull with your baby monitors. If your neighbor has a similar baby monitor to the one you use, and you have the transmitter in your bedroom, and they have their baby monitor on, and it is late at night, and there is indeed no baby around, and you are participating in potentially baby creating activities, you may find that you and your neighbors are quite a lot closer to each other than you prob

But now I'm back. Sorry I was away so long, its ok nothing funny happened anyway.

Yes, we know, it was Catherine Bach who started the whole thing. But inducting Catherine would have left a blonde void in the Hall and forced us to recognize two women for the same thing, kicking ass in tiny shorts. They are called Daisy Dukes for a reason. Well at least women women are wearing them, other wise they are just creepy. And Jessice sure did live up to the hype that started way back when. This induction is marked by two memorable images.

We at Jorts like only one thing more than Jean Shorts. And that is girls who talk dirty. While Brooke's fame is built not on shorts, but on full jeans (and a hot ass) we cannot deny that her one single line forever transformed the fabric we love. "You want to know what comes between me and my Calvins? Nothing." Need we say more?

First in his class for the Denim Hall, Favre is pictured in his favorite Rolled Cuff Jorts, the faint hints of a tight mullet hiding behind his baseball cap. Favre is a lifelong devotee of the All-American fabric, and is currently a pitchman for Wrangler. Never one to stray from his roots, my source tell me that Brett keeps these same Jorts in his closet to this day. The gridiron start and certain Pro Football Hall of Famer was unaivalable for comment on his selection to the Hall Of Denim. Also unavailable was an explanation of Favre's middle name, Lorenzo, which is seldom associated with white boys from the Deep South.

Here at Jorts , we have made and executive decision to create the Hall Of Denim. The Hall itself will be an elaborate structure with many columns and porticices . Or portici , or whatever, I don't even know what a portico is anyway, but the Hall will be very Ornate. Although it is not yet built, we are going to begin the process of assembling the first class on inductees. The rules for induction are simple. The Hall itself will consist of people who, through their creative use of Denim, Shorts in particular, have helped raise the profile of the most All-American of Fabrics. To this end I submit the first class of inductees. Over the course of the day today, I will Present each of these Luminary figures, along with the Image that will mark their place in the Hall.

Whats the point of a Leaf Blower? All you are doing is blowing your problem off to another persons yard so you don’t have to take care of it. Why is this so acceptable to people? What I got a garbage shooter and all my trash was launched over the fence to somebody else's house? You ever see a homeless guy on the side of the road with a Dog? I hate that. I like to stop and drop off a bag of Dog food so the dog doesn’t have to suffer. You can see it in their eyes, especially when the Paris Hilton types drive by in their convertibles with a puppy in their purse, “How did I get stuck on the freeway with this smelly dude, and fluffy is riding around in that purse and doesn’t even have to walk” You ever see a shoe on the side of the road? Its always just one shoe. How does that happen? What are these people doing that causes sudden dramatic Shoe Loss? Are people just driving down the road with their feet out the window? Wouldn’t you consider coming back for a shoe that just flew out the

The Most fun I ever had in a Buick. Man, what Idiots we are when we are young. My first ever car was a 1984 Buick Skyhawk. 4 doors, 4 cylinders, no front suspension. One depressing Western Kansas afternoon, I had two of my friends get in the backseat while I was driving. We were traveling on a back highway in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon, very little traffic. I set the cruise at 45 and proceeded to climb into the passenger seat. I was holding the steering wheel at the bottom, and to any passers by it appeared that our car was occupied by three boys and being driven by none of them. We really thought this was the height of comedy, that our little trick could not be topped. I will never forget the look on the face of the blue hair in the Cadillac as she passed our car headed in the opposite direction. Terror replaced elation as the prevalent emotion in our car as the Caddy careened off towards the ditch, its operator rendered useless by her shock in seeing a ghost car travel

I have some questions about Polygamist Mormons. Why are the women always so ugly? I think if I were going to have multiple wives, I would need a few of them to be attractive. But not these guys. I guess it’s a quantity over quality thing. Maybe the attractive women know that they don’t have to share a man. That brings up another point. Are these ugly broads flocking to the polygamist sects themselves, or do the dudes go out and actively recruit? I can see how that sales pitch would go down; “So, honey, you’re kind of homely with that straight brown hair, whattya say you come back down to Utah and join me and my three other wives who live in a shack in the woods?” Judging from what I have seen, these women are probably not getting a lot of better offers. If they turn Jebediah down, they will probably just end up buried under the floorboards in the kitchen of the town Librarian. I am trying to lose weight, but cannot turn down fast food. So I have started ordering the Kids Meal every tim

I learned it’s all true. All the quips and quotes, all the bits of wisdom. When your grandpa pulled you aside after your parents told him about your “little girlfriend” whne you were 12. When your Dad grabbed your shoulder before prom. They were right. It’s all true. “They are all crazy, just find one you can live with” I will start here, because it is the most debated. And the most accurate. Men are pigs, women are crazy, but every so often a pig goes crazy, it all works and everything is right with the world. For a period of time. Sometimes days or weeks, but if you are 99% of college students in the U.S. this bliss is shortlived. Crazy goes to far, or the pig gets too wild, and it all explodes. But it’s ok. 10 years pass, and you realize that she wasn’t the one, not even close, and what she did wasn’t so bad, and you shouldn’t have called her that name. But that clarity only comes when you find the one crazy you can live with. “One day she will grow up to be her mother” Definitely t

In 25 years, I think movie makers will use the PT cruiser as the go- to vehicle symbol of the American Loser, ala Wayne and Garth’s AMC Pacer. “Qualified buyers” If you really are a Highly Qualified Buyer, do you even need the Zero Down Payment program? I love the Yard Sale. And the Garage Sale. Even an occasional Estate Sale. What I think is most interesting is the levels of these things. There is a definite hierarchy of sales. At the top you have the Estate Sale, followed by the Neighborhood Sale, then the Garage Sale, then a Yard Sale, and then it’s just junk by the curb. There are several subsets within the general levels, including the post-auction estate sale, the 50% off sale, and the closeout garage sale where most of your junk is just free anyway. All the names, all the different signs, it’s really all the same thing, you trying to make a nickel off of some shoes you want to throw away. I love it. Speaking of garage sales, here are the items a person should never buy at a gara

Boss man asked me the other day, “Aaron, when can I expect that report to be finished” My response; “That’s the great thing about expectations, you can expect it anytime you want. You can expect it to be finished right now if you want. It wont be, but you can go right ahead and expect it.” Has anyone besides me ever had to get out of the shower before they were finished because they cut one and it smelled so bad they could not stand it any longer?

Peppermints. Weird name, they are all mint, no Pepper. And how do I get that hole in the middle every time I eat one? It makes a cool whistle, but I don’t know how it gets there Saw a sign in Mayetta Ks this weekend. Similar to what you see by the highway as you Pass by small Midwestern towns. FOOD, AUTO REPAIR, LIQUOR, COLLECTIBLES. All the basic needs of American Life. Who doesn’t need to know. I watched TV Bloopers with Dick Clark the other night. Why do they have a live audience? Who would go and be a part of a live audience for a show that is based on watching clips on TV? I have always preferred Fall over Summer when the topic is Hot Ladies. I like some mystery, plus the are more chicks who look banging in sweaters as opposed to bikini’s. And even if they don’t look good, at least in the fall they are covered up. Why is taking Phone messages so difficult for some people? Name, number, reason for call. Here are some message’s I have seen lately. “Bill will call later” “Jaimie is r

What are Jorts ? Technically they are Jean SHORTS. Jean shorts are inappropriate clothing items favored by child molesters, NASCAR fans, hillbillies and professional Fishermen. But, For my purposes, JORTS are Juvenile Observations and Random Thoughts. I am a Juvenile Adult. I am mature in age and childlike in thoughts. I also have a short attention span and like to shoot off at the mouth. Other people find me annoying and classless. I find myself humorous and intelligent. Here are some things that I find funny, enjoy them with me. AO